Your story is excellent, EXCEPT, you need to learn point of view. Unless you plan to write your
Entire book in omniscient – then I won’t mention POV anymore. But omniscient distances the reader.
Otherwise, I suggest you find a good book on point of view.
I do not intend to write in omniscient, so please point it out to me.
I’ve read several books on POV. I just ain’t smart.
To get into one POV – you must get inside the character – see only what he sees, hear only what he hears, think only what he thinks. Its
Not like watching a movie (omniscient POV) – It’s living the experience. That way the reader gets to live the experience rather than just
Watching what is happening.
The POV character cannot see the whole picture – he can only see what’s happening in the spot he’s standing in. He does not know what
Other characters are thinking or feeling – he can only see from their expressions and actions why they do what they do. He is not God, he is
Just jump inside your POV person and have fun being him. You cannot be anyone else – only the one POV character – so he is limited to whatever his senses discover.
Hope this helps.